All the videos yuu can eat

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Recently, Too Many Weapons gathered in Sydney for a couple of days at the ABC Studios in Ultimo (nicely timed to take place during the ABC lockdown, bless) and while in Sydney, we recorded a new iteration of the ongoing Rizal Fountain Raps series.

That brings the total entries in the Rizal Raps series up to nearly 30 videos, including a bunch of guest appearances by friends and collaborators in Quezon City in 2013.

The Rizal Fountain Raps started in 2012 when we were in Manila, recording a cluster of short spoken word performances at the fountain in Rizal Park in Intramuros. Following that round, Sam, Georgie, Jordan and myself have kept up the tradition of recording a new spoken word performance at every touring destination we visit.

I decided I’d like a place to host all that content on this website, and so I’ve created a new page just for videos, where I’ve gathered a bundle of documentation from the last seven or eight years. There’s Boho plays, Finnigan and Brother clips, and spoken word performances. Basically it’s a glut of my terrible beardy face and you should make up your mind whether that’s something you need in your life before clicking on the link.

Pulling it together, I realised how many of the clips were down to the efforts of just a few people. So huge thanks and much gratefulness to Sam Burns-Warr, Shane Parsons, Erica Hurrell and Jordan Prosser: you guys make it real.

And now to give you something worth staying on this page for, here are the clips from the most recent Rizal Fountain Raps edition, recorded earlier this year in the Melbourne Docklands:

Camiguin Sonnets: It’s A Free Concert From Now On

This is an opportunity to update you on what I’ve been up to, which is always murky as hell and who really knows? Planning. Procrastinating. Panicking. In roughly equal measure. But this is my professional website (ha) and so I try to minimise the amount that I talk about my hours staring helplessly at my notebook or yelling at myself in my own head for how little I’ve done / am doing / will ever do. Instead I try to keep the focus on things I’ve actually done.

So! Some things I’ve actually done!

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While we were in the Philippines, myself and the rest of Everything is Everywhere – the redoubtable Ira Gamerman, Siobhan O’Loughlin and Jess Bellamy – took some time to record what we euphemistically called Sonnets. In this instance, a sonnet is a performance to camera, not dissimilar to Too Many Weapons’ Rizal Fountain Raps series.

We wrote and performed them at Camiguin Action Geckoes Lodge, in northern Mindanao, and they turned out pretty charmingly, if I do say so myself. Jess’ piece hews closest to being an actual sonnet, while also being a charming meditation on the value of a good piece of ass. Siobhan’s is a breathless ode to a Japanese apartment, which is also a love letter, which is also lovely. And Ira’s is a song called Come Again Camiguin, an example of Gamerman’s ability to throw out a gorgeous pop hook in any circumstances, performed topless.

Mine is called It’s A Free Concert From Now On, because fuck it why not, and I kinda like it. And maybe you might as well? And so here it is for you, complete with a cameo by Ms O’Loughlin herself, and a gorgeous lizard on the roof, and the sentiment, I stand behind.

this is an open letter to the prime minister of australia
anna breslaw who wrote one of the better cosmopolitan sealed sections I’ve ever read
karl hyde water on stone water on sand
the bolt comments twitter feed
ryzza mae, ryzza mae, and everyone on the ryzza mae show
my name’s david finnigan and

there are addicts everywhere
under every bed
behind every car windshield
there are addicts in your place of work
they are driving your taxis
running your childcare centres
building your bridges
and crouching behind your eyeballs right now listening in

but rather than trying to squash that part of you I say
good luck and hold on to the stuff you’re hooked on
if you’ve got enough cash to start a recreational drug habit
dive right in
get in a loop
don’t back away from the things that you need

I mean like ice
I mean like red wine
I mean like ketamine
I mean like nights on the island checking your phone waiting for a dealer to text back
dragged slowly towards the edge

I mean if you need it
if you can’t function without it
if you find yourself waking in the night panicking unless it’s right there
then do what your heart says and run to it

I mean like sex with people who are no good for you
I mean like travel to places that don’t need you
I mean like diving deep down til your ears are gonna burst and the light dims down and there’s just sharks down there
I mean like running away from things as soon as they start to get hard
I mean like being in your own head because your own head scares you
I mean like taking years off your life with every poor decision and pushing the boat out to sea as the wind picks up and the sun goes down

I mean like let’s not pretend that anyone loves you as much as drugs love you
as much as power loves you
as much as ambition, stupid sex and lighting fires loves you
as much as making promises you can’t keep to people who need you more than you need them loves you
yes!
as much as your aching back your tired eyes from staring at the laptop too long your bank account when was the last time you checked your bank account when are you going to take a real step forward instead of all these goddamn steps back loves you
I mean real talk who knows you as well as your own paranoia and neuroses?
who’s been with you all the way through the good and the bad, the ups and the downs, the heat and the energy, apart from your weird problems?

I mean I love you, everyone here loves you, ira siobhan and jess love you, it’s a free concert from now on
but the one major thing you need to remember tonight before you go back up into the woods to go to sleep or if you stay here
is that the scorched mess of fear and pain and jealousy and anger in your head is your first lover
it’s been there for you and you’ve given it the whole world
and wherever you go in this lifetime until finally the thoughts wink out for good
that horror in your mind is closer to you than your own shadow
so love it

and you damn well better remember that because if you don’t we blow the whole thing
but we’ve got it, right here

so to the prime minister, the honourable speaker for warringah
to noynoy aquino, the kids in bieber’s entourage
all the charming boys and girls nervously expressing to their partner their desire to try a little analingus tonight pls
to the sweet hetero boy you brought home tonight who doesn’t have a clue
to the nervous straight girl who invited you back to hers who doesn’t know how to ask for what she wants
to the theatre kids, the sipat lawin ensemble
the ones ruining their futures to make something that means something even though they don’t know what that fucking means and fair enough
to the trike drivers playing checkers on malingap street at 2am
and the staff of shakeys on matalino
to the camiguin kids playing in the surf
kuya rat, yuki the lizards on the bamboo roof, all the starfish in the sea
ira, jess, siobhan everything is everywhere all the time
and all the fucking creatures holding it together by the thinnest of threads and yet presenting such a pretty face to the world
good luck and don’t dare give up

you are such beautiful fuck ups

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All the shows I did in Manila in May 2015

So so so so so so so, Karnabal Festival in Manila. As well as helping Sipat Lawin produce the International Exchange platform for the festival, I was involved in four productions that took place as part of the festival.

Previous experience (particularly with the first You Are Here fest) had taught me that being an artist in a festival you’re producing is possible, but not ideal. A little bit of performance is fine – as per the Teen Makeouts shows in YAH 2012 and 2013 – but trying to do a big full-length new show is not. Trying to do four separate shows is ridiculous.

In the end, all four shows happened and worked, more or less, but I am left with the stinging feeling that I could have done better, in every instance, if I’d had more focus.

Anyway – this is what happened:

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Gobyerno

Total hubris here – when we ran Gobyerno in Korea with Creative VaQi, we were doing our best to pack everything into the two hour slot we’d been given. Here at Karnabal we had two two hour slots again, and we had way more material we wanted to test. Our solution was to break the shows in half and do two completely different performances, with totally different material. Effectively, we ended up presenting two completely different shows over the two nights.

On the first night we did the State of the Nation address, where the participants created their own ideal speech from a leader, discussing the issues they felt most strongly about. The first half of the show is the audience discussing and debating their ideas for the country’s new direction – the second is them preparing and then filming the leader’s speech, complete with journalists, cheering crowds, angry protestors and full orchestration. Brandon had proposed doing a long trick shot for this scene, which I thought was completely ridiculous, but ended up being utterly brilliant. The whole show was a crazy ride, and it felt like everything landed really nicely.

The second night we did Urban Planning – in which participants designed and debated their ideal city, creating a massive floor map of it. In the second half of the show they create a filmic journey through the city. This was lovely, but the audience this night was way bigger – up to 60 from 35 the previous night. With only four artist/facilitators, the structure of managing the crowds started to buckle and sway, and when we brought the whole crowd together, it almost completely fell over.

This show is a pretty exciting proposition on so many levels, but also a powerful challenge, because of JK’s basic desire that it is an interactive participatory work that happens at scale. He wants at least 150 participants in the final version. I think that’s an incredibly hard task. Which is part of why I’m involved.

gob_adrian begoniagobyerno. image by adrian begonia

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gob02_jpgobyerno. images by jordan prosser

Appropriate Kissing For All Occasions

This was a nice one, maybe the easiest of the bunch. Isab Martinez and I had already collaborated on this back in 2013, and this was a reboot with some edits and additions. It was incredibly satisfying to see it up close and personal – Isab is a really sharp comic actor, totally able to hold a crowd, and totally owns the arrogant TED-speaker with the gaping emotional wounds at her centre character. And her criticism of people’s kisses was outstanding. This was just a joy to watch, really.

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Relationship Anatomy

This was a little newer and a little scarier. Isab and I collaborated on a new work which took the form of a group therapy session. Essentially, Isab’s character was seeking advice from strangers about her relationship, which is slightly shaky and on the rocks. The guts of the work are a facilitated conversation with the audience around their opinions on relationships, what are the key elements, when is it time to call it quits, etc. This is pretty delicate territory, and we were unsure of whether we had something that quite worked.

We presented the show three times. The first time, it sort of worked, if you squinted hard enough. The second time it completely crashed and burned. The third time, it landed beautifully. Three different audiences – different ages, different backgrounds, different numbers, different attitudes, different settings – as an experiment it was ideal. We learned a lot. It was fascinating to see what different groups decided. And there was one really satisfying theatrical moment, where if the audience decide that the relationship is dead in the water, Isab calls the guy up then and there and dumps him over the phone.

My favourite moment, though, was when Isab asks each audience member to describe their ideal partner as an object, and why. Some of the most beautiful images I’ve ever heard stemmed from this moment. A book with the covers torn off. A forest. A circle. Yes.

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Everything is Everywhere

The joint work of myself, Jess Bellamy, Siobhan O’Loughlin and Ira Gamerman. We joined forces after spending a fortnight together in New York last year, and out of that stemmed this project. Over three weeks up to and during Karnabal, we produced a whole raft of new stories, scenes and monologues, and wrapped them together in a framework in which the four of us competed to take over the Philippines.

The basic breakdown had to do with our specific makeup as a company – two men / two women, two Americans / two Australians, two Jews / two Irish Catholic atheists. The resulting show saw us play against each other in three rounds, trying to score points by convincing the Philippines that we were uniquely qualified to understand and engage with them.

In the end, Jess won the contest (because of her UNBELIEVABLE score in our bonus round) and became leader of the Philippines, delivering this acceptance speech (courtesy of Ness Roque):

“Mabuhay! Hindi ko alam ang sinasabi ko. Ako ay isang puting papet. Tingnan niyo ako! Nagsasalita ako pero wala akong alam kung anong sinasabi ko! Ang saya saya! Kekembot ako. Sasayaw ako. Pinagtripan lang kami ng Sipat Lawin. Kekembot ako. Sasayaw ako. Mukha na ba akong tanga? Pero hindi ko alam kung bakit. Maraming salamat po! Maraming salamat po! Mahal ko ang Pilipinas!”

Mahal ko ang Pilipinas indeed.

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eise04_adrian begonia#EisE. images by adrian begonia

Okay so that was my artistic input into the festival, which, again, probably shouldn’t have been there. But I think I can say, I’m grateful it happened?

I’m grateful to everyone who lets me make art.

Hectic, beautiful, fucked: Karnabal 2015

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I’m writing this in Sydney, in the late autumn chill (as chilly as it gets in this town) and I’m already withdrawing from the heat and humidity of Filipino summer. Landed in Australia on Sunday after two and a bit months in Manila, and I’m suffering some of the ‘reverse culture shock’ they talked about at the Asialink orientation session (‘You may find upon your return to english speaking countries that things seem too drab, quiet, orderly, sleepy and safe’). So I’m going to do my best to talk about what I was doing over there before it all gets too far away from me.

I’ve been in Manila working with the Sipat Lawin Ensemble, beloved collaborators and dear friends, and for whom I am a kind of ridiculous white sidekick. There were two major parts to this collaboration. The first was devising and presenting the first seasons of Gobyerno, a massive participatory performance in which the audience construct their own documentary of their ideal society. We (me, JK Anicoche, Ness Roque and Brandon Relucio) kicked off Gobyerno in Korea with collaborators Creative VaQi in April, and then brought it to Manila for a first season there. Secondly, I was there to help out on Sipat’s Karnabal Festival.

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Karnabal is Sipat’s curated festival of contemporary performance by Filipino artists from across the spectrum. 2015 was the second outing for the festival, and a huge step up in scale from the original in 2013. This year, as well as a huge program of performances by Filipino artists and ensembles (including some of my favourites like Anino Shadowplay and Issa Lopez), the festival was host to a whole stream of international artists: the International Exchange.

Speaking bluntly, it takes pretty serious vision / ambition / lunacy to program a major international stream into your completely unfunded festival, and it says a lot about Sipat Lawin that they were able to bring on nearly 20 participants from around the world. This is an exciting company to get to work with, an exciting community to be a part of, and people were up for the challenge. Anyway, I was in charge of wrangling the International Exchange component of the festival.

In a nice departure from usual programming models, the duo behind Karnabal (Sarah Salazar and JK Anicoche) didn’t want the international artists to come in and dominate the lineup. They wanted to keep the focus on the local artists and the exciting things happening in Manila right now, while still being part of an international conversation. So with that in mind, the internationals came along not to present their own work (with one or two exceptions) but to attend the festival, participate in talks, events, give workshops, and most importantly, collaborate with local artists on new projects. Each international artist was paired with a local artist, and that duo worked together over the festival to begin the development of a new project, of some kind.

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A lot of my focus throughout the festival was on the international artists, and the crew that came were pretty wonderful. Some of the Whitelegs from Australia returned, there was an awesome trio from Yokohama (Team Japan!), two Baltimorean New Yorker Americans, Creative VaQi from Korea, and visiting artist/producers from Hong Kong, Kuala Lumpur, Bangkok and Tokyo.

We were all scattered around Teachers Village in Quezon City, stumbling between venues (Vargas Museum in on the University of the Philippines campus and Teatro Papet Museo on Mapagkawangawa street), rolling up and down Maginhawa, Malingap and Matalino street, and half of us crammed into the delightful-if-overcrowded Yuj Inn. And it was chaos. That intense white-heat focused madness of festival time combined with that bleary non-stop urgency of Manila, for two weeks. It was sweltering hot, traffic crammed, hectic, beautiful, fucked. I coped. Everyone coped. It was gorgeous. At a point I think I stopped feeling tired no matter what time of day it was. At another point I think I stopped feeling anything.

And there was beautiful art, and amazing shows, and some of the most lovely performances and creations I’ve ever seen, in the midst of the rushing. And I was especially proud because, on the last day of the festival, each of the international exchange participants presented a 15 minute work-in-progress sharing. And it was absolutely amazing, the variety and the energy and the possibility within all of them. And so that was delightful.

05_Hiyas Baldemor Bagabaldoimage by Hiyas Baldemor Bagabaldo

And then the day after the festival, myself and a bunch of others gave a brief workshop as part of Project Banig to some of the kids involved with Project Pearls, a wonderful shambolic experience. And then Jordan and I got on a plane to Palawan, and we had three days of decompression in the weird backpacker purgatory that is El Nido and the beautiful ocean paradise that is El Nido.

In amongst all the rest of that, I presented four shows as part of the festival: aka Too Many Shows. But that is a story for next time. Meantime, here’s a little of what the fest looked like, courtesy of Jordan Prosser:

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Korea things: Festival Bo:m tour diary (kinda)

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2.15pm
It’s 45 minutes before our first Gobyerno show in Korea, and I’ve never quite experienced a process like this before. We (that is me, Ness Roque and JK Anicoche from Sipat Lawin, and Brandon Relucio our masterful filmographer / documentary-maker) spent the day preparing the space. Creative VaQi have been working on their own preparations, translating the text, preparing their lines, running through the show order. Sipat and I are putting props out and trying our best to help them without getting in the way.

Ness and I made a timeline for the workshop (and despite our best efforts, there’s no way that this one can be done inside the time limits without some serious on-the-floor cuts), JK set up the props and has made endless boxes out of brown cardboard. Brandon has been organising the camera equipment. I’ve been stringing up lights and learning how to be a lighting designer (a terrible one), and now I’ve stolen some of JK’s pics from the last few days and I’m scribbling a few stray thoughts.

Now VaQi are playing some luscious Korean rock (3rd Line Butterfly!) and Ness and Brandon and I are dancing around the space, while SooYeon, SooJin, KyungSung and KyungMin gather themselves and focus. We have worked in a mad scramble this last two weeks in Manila, grounding and testing our bag of crazy ideas with Sipat and the wider Sipat family, then the last two days we’ve been running VaQi through it and they’ve been digesting it as best they can.

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3.40pm
We’re in the midst of it and it’s lovely seeing it. How do you describe seeing an experience you’ve helped sculptbeing undertaken by people in a form that you can’t actually understand, but which you can tell/feel is delightful?

KyungMin and SooJin looking after one table, SooYeon and KyungSung taking care of the other. And there’s 20 participants, building cities out of paper and cardboard, negotiating how their leader will speak on camera and preparing their grand entrance. Choosing music – one guy decided that the president should enter to the Clash’s London Calling and the other president arrived to the Jaws theme.

It’s crazy intense being here but totally unable to help, just watching from the sidelines and trying to sense where the conversation is flowing. Exhausting in a whole different way.

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6.07pm
Finished our debrief. VaQi went straight into a really analytical unpicking of some of the rougher elements, but one of the things that they all agreed on was that they should trust their instincts and be more flexible with the time, rather than following too closely the timeline that we’d mapped out. They know what they’re doing, and they don’t need much more guidance from us. They get it, and that’s the best thing.

Working in Seoul has been a beautiful experience, the Festival Bo:m team have taken incredible care of us (thank you Kimoon!), and I’m living in this weird headspace of being a guest at an international arts festival and treated with such generosity and I’m so grateful but also so worried that I’m not doing enough to justify it. But Seoul is beautiful, it’s been such a delightful experience and I don’t know what to say.

More things. Bring it.

how it feels to be in the philippines in april 2015

Got to the Philippines two weeks ago, and it has been a hit the ground running kinda process. Which is maybe exactly what I needed. But also, I feel confused and bewildered about where I am and what I’m doing. But also: happy.

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I’m illustrating this post with JK’s images from the live crucifixion at Pampanga on the weekend. That was a strange and wonderful day, part street theatre, part sacred rite, part cheesy tourist spectacle, part mob-style mania. JK got accidentally whipped by a self-flagellant while he was videoing the crucifix kite on his phone. I bought four glow-in-the-dark crosses with rosary beads and nearly tripped into a puddle of blood in the dusty street. We all got to reenact that moment in Matthew 33:1-8 where bystanders at the crucifixion gave their phone to Roman guards to videotape the crucifixion close-up and then the bystanders thought the Romans had run off with their cell-phones but really they were just taking terrible poorly composed shaky video of Jesus being lowered from the cross and dragged off by paramedics.

My future goal is to get to watch from the scissor-lift erected on Golgotha to the side of the three crosses, with the mayor and the other VIPs. JK’s goal is to get to play Mary Magdalene in the rites. We all have dreams. & isn’t that, after all, the true meaning of christmas?

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In one week we go to Korea for Festival B:om to present the first scratches of Gobyerno. It’s always scary sharing a new piece with an audience who’s not familiar with your work, but this has so many more layers than that. We’re going over to collaborate with Korean theatre ensemble Creative VaQi, who’ll be presenting the work, in Korean. So we’ve created a participatory performance piece which will be done for the first time in Korean, by a Korean company, to an audience whose sensibilities and proclivities are very new to us. There are so many ways that this could go wrong. And that in its own way is kinda great.

Then beyond that, it’s getting to grips with Everything is Everywhere, before Karnabal starts in… one month today. And it’s hot. It’s really hot. There’s a typhoon on its way but I think it just got downgraded to a tropical storm. There’s a rat and a friendly giant spider somewhere in the house tonight. Eisa is practising her host performance, playing a 2009 K-Pop anthem over and over.

Also, Ness has been doing her best to teach me some tagalog words. I don’t have much, pero try-ko. Magiging okay lang. Ang pag-ibig ko sayo ay forever. Nandoon ang pusa. Magke-kembot ako. Minahal kita noon, pero hindi ngayon. Edy wow. Sakto. That’s what I’ve got.

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And watching so much Foreignoy. Where do I start. The current front-runner is a Mormon missionary from Queensland and he’s really good. Sometimes I feel like I’m not even a person, I’m just a vessel that’s waiting to Eat Bulaga.

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And last night JK and I got back in to Manila around 2am, somewhere in the back end of Quezon City. We found a cab to take us to Sikatuna, and suddenly we were driving through Balintawak Markets, a huge warehouse that was cranking at 2am, vegetables and goods from the provinces being unloaded from trucks and people sitting around piles of vegetables on tarpaulins under intense floodlights or in total darkness. And I was happy.

Checking in with some paralysing self-doubt on a Wednesday

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If anyone is curious, this is where I’m at.

It’s Wednesday 11 March 2015, I’m in Sydney, and it’s classic IDM in the headphones.

January and February were fairly manic. Ten days in the Philippines, two days in Korea, then three weeks jumping between developments: Kill Climate Deniers Felicity: The Stage Play to Are We The One? back to Felicity again. More or less seven weeks of back to back project work, followed by this patch of down-time. I’ve spent the last two weeks writing emails, writing reports, booking travel, catching up on admin.

This is four parts good and one part panic.

Weeks like these are great because as well as all the necessary project admin and correspondence, as well as getting the chance to see some fucking lovely theatre, it’s also a rare and pretty vital opportunity to take a look at the bigger picture. As someone who generates most of my projects myself, it’s really valuable to be able to contemplate stuff beyond the next few weeks – where do I want to be in 2016, 2017 etc. These quiet periods are precious as hell and I’m incredibly grateful for them.

Having said that, there’s nothing like a momentary pause to force you to confront the horrifying blankness that lies behind your actions. My whole practice is based on forward motion, and without that, I feel a kind of terror and panic and the sense that it’s all coming apart under me.

Even worse, it confronts me with the question: What do I want.

What do I actually want? And if I say it, if I can even get a grip on it enough to be able to articulate it, is it actually possible? Is there a way from where I am now to where I want to be?

And if not, what am I actually striving for?

I have answers to all these questions, I’m sure you do too. My Churchill Fellowship report was one attempt at answering them, and I think it’s the most accurate formulation of my intent that exists. But no matter what, those answers always feel a little threadbare when you’ve ground to a halt and you need to begin the slow push to get another project moving.

That said, this kind of existential panic is a pretty good reminder of how helpless and small we all are against this massive stumbling world we’re clinging to. Anyone who doesn’t have time for the occasional bout of paralysing self-doubt: I pity you. And anyone who has the time but feels neither confusion nor doubt: I pity and fear you.

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Angst aside, it is now time to get busy again. I am heading to the Philippines next week for two and a half months with the Sipat Lawin Ensemble. There’s a few things on the cards:

I’m working as dramaturge on Sipat’s new large-scale participatory show Gobyerno (Government), in which a playing audience design and film their own original documentary articulating their ideal society. The show is having initial trials in Manila at the end of the month, then we are taking a prototype version to Festival B:om in Seoul, Korea, this April.

Following that, I’m helping out on Sipat’s incredible Karnabal Festival, a huge gathering of theatre and performing artists from the Philippines and internationally. I’m helping manage the International Platform, in which artists from Korea, Japan, the USA and Australia will present their work, and collaborate with local artists on new projects.

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As well as Gobyerno, I’m involved in several shows that are happening at Karnabal. The first is an ongoing collaboration with Isabelle Martinez. Last Karnabal she performed our jointly-written one-woman show Appropriate Kissing For All Occasions, based on our shared fascination with ‘sexy TED talks’ (god help us all). This time, Isab is restaging AKFAO (time to learn to kiss, yo) and we’ll be working on the first staging of a new piece about romance, and forevers.

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And finally, at long last, I’ll be performing as one quarter of AustrAmerican ensemble Everything is Everywhere, with fellow writer/performers Jess Bellamy, Ira Gamerman and Siobhan O’Loughlin. We’re presenting a new work entitled 24 Truths and 12 Lies, and I am fucking jazzed. Ira describes it as ‘three rounds for world domination’, which is pretty much the perfect tagline for any play, ever.

And now that’s enough words; words aren’t even words.

Doing A Stage Adaptation of Felicity Starring Keri Russell

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January and February have been fairly mental, I was in the Philippines for 10 days, Korea for two, then did three weeks hopping between Canberra and Sydney for two developments. The one in Melbourne was at Arts House, working with Keith Armstrong on a new app for Arts House – see my previous blog post.

The one in Canberra, however, was working on a lovely new play with Aspen Island Theatre Company: Kill Climate Deniers Felicity: The Stage Play.

Felicity is a classic 90s teen drama, following the adventures of Felicity Porter (played by Keri Russell) as she travels to New York to attend university. Over two weeks, director Julian Hobba, designer Imogen Keane and performers Clare Moss, Cathy Petocz, Miranda Borman and Eleanor Garran worked with me on fleshing out the script, devising an appropriate performance and playing with dialogue.

One of the most exciting parts of the project is that in the show, when Environment Minister Gwen Malkin Felicity breaks free from the terrorist’s grasp, she heads through Parliament House playing a soundtrack of classic house and techno while taking out terrorists in a series of bombastic fight scenes. In order to bring those to life, musician Reuben Ingall and choreographer Adelina Larsson came on board and contributed phenomenal music and dance to the work.

The centrepiece of the action, of course, hangs from a brutal and chaotic battle set to the tune of Black Box’s 1989 hit Ride On Time. Dig:

(just by the by, I’ve never seen Felicity and I have no idea what a stage play adaptation would entail, other than that I’m probably for it, in principle.)

Are We The One?

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This week has been spent working at Arts House in Melbourne, developing a new digital phone app with media artist Keith Armstrong entitled Are We The One?

Keith is a superb artist from Brisbane who creates large-scale interactive installations, often with an ecological or sustainability focus. One of his previous works, Long Time No See, is a digital phone app that takes participants on a guided walk through their environment, prompting reflections on the systems they are a part of and encouraging mindfulness. (Similar goals to Best Festival Ever through a very different approach.) He’s a pretty extraordinary creative, and a reference point for me when I was talking to foreign artists about Australia’s art-science scene.

We’re collaborating as part of Arts House‘s Digilab project – four commissions for artist teams to produce new works under the banner of ‘digital theatre’. What is digital theatre? At least part of this project is about trying to figure that out. In practice, all four teams are creating participatory artworks mediated through digital phone apps.

Keith and I were matched by Angharad Wynne-Jones, who (I suspect) identified some common threads running through our separate practices. We met for the first time at the beginning of the first intensive development for this project. Perhaps in response to that blind date situation, we began by asking ourselves whether we might be able to create our own dating app.

First and foremost, we both joined OKCupid, RSVP, eHarmony and Tinder. Then we began pulling apart the online dating experience and rethinking it in light of our own practices. The result is a work entitled Are We The One? (in reference to the seminal Chinese dating show) in which two participants – ideally strangers – create the ideal date for each other, then go on the date that has been created for them.

In practice, what that looks like is this: each participant fills out a brief questionnaire, and then is asked to go for a walk around the venue, looking for places, objects and experiences that might appeal to their partner. They know virtually nothing about their partner, although information is gradually dripped to them as the experience goes on. The end result is that you’ve created a trail, a series of points on the map and moments for them to experience at each stop on the way.

When you’ve finished making the journey, it’s your turn to go on the trail that’s been created for you, finding the locations, listening to the messages and collecting the secret notes etc that have been deposited along the way for you. At the very end, you and your partner come face to face, and you get to have a chat about your shared experiences.

We’ve been working intensively at Arts House all week in collaboration with Steve Berrick from Perth’s pvi collective, who is programming the app (four apps at once – extraordinary) and doing paper trails around North Melbourne. From here, there’s another series of developments to come, before all four projects get premiered at Arts House’s 2016 Festival of Live Art.

Finally, I’d like to leave you with two questions. OKCupid is very good at drawing out information from its users to help it make compatible matches. There are more than 200 questions you can answer when building your profile – these are my two favourite:

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& now a blow-by-blow account of Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights

Are we watching Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights now? Everyone seems to think it’s the worst, but everyone’s been wrong before, so let’s not fuck around, let’s dive right in.

still shots of cuba
november 1958

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snapshot montage + voiceover
katey miller is in the final year of high school, she likes jane austen, does she like anything else?
nope that’s all we’re getting, character-wise
‘and then my parents announced we were moving to cuba’

montage of sexy dancing on the streets, in the clubs, bodies and smiles and grins
then this: DIRTY DANCING: HAVANA NIGHTS
‘BASED ON TRUE EVENTS’

do we need the based on true events tag? do we really?

‘slamming doors and giving the silent treatment didn’t change matters – but it was easier than admitting I was scared’
TRUE DAT TEEN GIRL

they arrive at a fancy hotel, in voiceover we learn that katey doesn’t know shit about cuba

then we see some teens smoking by the poolside
they are both gross but that’s teens I guess
they make snide remarks about katey as she goes to sit by the pool in her black dress
‘she’s a regular june cleaver’ wtf is that
her sister says ‘she’s a real brain’ but with no real venom or passion
the teen boy with the big pouty lips looks intrigued by her
obv he is planning on using her up and tossing her out when he’s done with her b/c he is scum

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LOOK AT THIS FUCKING BLOWJOB

he invites her over he says ‘pleasure to meet you’ in a scummy voice & then says ‘your dad works for my dad’ b/c power
this film’s gonna be all about power
the power of political forces operating on a massive scale, the power of the human spirit
but most of all the power of dance

they are chatting and I hate them
katey and the preppy snide little fuckwits
one of them disses her outfit and then the waiter drops a tray
A FUCKING TRAY
the waiter apologises and the preppy bitch calls him a ‘stupid spic’ where he can hear
katey is sad and the waiter is sad
she gives the girl a nasty glare and fucks off

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katey goes into the hotel to apologise to the waiter kid
he blows her off he is annoyed
but whatevs you know it clearly got to him

now in her hotel room watching weird 1940s home camera footage of her parents ballroom dancing
there’s a beautiful moment where we see katey and her dad come to terms over the way she’s been acting
which would make more sense if we’d been introduced to them even remotely before this scene

her dad says ‘you’ll do great here too’ and then they do a shithouse dance
and katey’s like ‘I can’t stand on your feet any more’ it’s fucking weird and awkward
they laugh and it’s a little saucy but mostly it’s just awkward

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now katey’s at her new school and all the kids in uniform don’t like her because she is new and also sitting in a slightly brighter light than all the others
classic USA classroom layout
probs true to the era, who knows
and the teacher tells her to read out some lines
it sounds like a slice of homer’s odyssey, it’s something about a group of ppl ‘losing themselves in song and dance and pleasure’

her voice is husky as fuck and I’m down with it

the teacher asks ‘why does athena want the suitors to keep attacking odysseus’ house’ and katey’s like ‘she wants odysseus to find his strength through adversity’ and it’s basically a very significant thing for a person to say

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there is so little sexual chemistry between the students of this stylised 1958 cuban high school it’s astounding

the blowjob with pouty lips comes to the classroom after hours

blowjob – you know a lot of girls don’t like to let on that they’re smart

katey – I know I should’ve kept quiet

blowjob – no I like that. I like that about you.

the sun shines past him and she nervously smiles and she is afraid, so afraid, of letting her guard down, but she wants to so desperately

he’s asking her on a date to the country club on saturday night
and he makes a joke about homer and the iliad and the odyssey and she says yes and she has so much earnestness

the next morning she misses the bus
I think her bitch sister tells the bus driver to leave without her, I’m not sure why, is she just filled with hate?
the sister figure needs some work honestly

so katey’s walking through havana
badly lost
BUT OH WAIT
she’s just come to a fountain
and there is a dance party happening
the waiter from the other day is boogying with all these peeps on the street
it is legit as fuck but also kinda weird and I don’t know what to say about it

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he sees her and goes over to her
‘you felt a sudden urge for cuban music’
he offers to walk her back to her hotel
walking home it’s all getting to know you shit
she hasn’t figured out what she wants to do yet
which is a shit thing because I wish she had some definable characteristics
any fucking thing

btw I know it’s an aside but the soundtrack is mixed so loud in this film there is music going all the time and it’s just dominating, it’s amazing anyone in cuba can hear themselves think

the waiter walks katey home and there’s a bunch of cops arresting peeps on the street for some reason and she flees, when she gets home her mum is stressed

mum – where’ve you been?

(ARRESTED YOU BITCH)

katey – just walking home

now she’s in the mirror wearing 3/4 pants trying to move cuban style – she’s bad and out of time AND YET she has a certain indefinable something (maybe it’s the fact that she’s been cast as the lead in this hollywood dance film, but I feel she could probably cut a rug if it came down to it)

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so now she’s practising dancing in the mirror and

javier – Why do you look in the mirror?

katey – I was trying to remember those steps I saw

javier – What does looking have to do with it? Just feel the music.

YEEEEEAAAAH

for some reason the cuban maid is now helping her out with a sexy dress, I don’t know why, they have no relationship that I can discern

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her troll sister is having a tantrum cause katey’s going to the country club with the weird blond blowjob and she’s not, I can’t read the sister at all, she has anger issues of some colossal scale. I’m placing money, if anyone’s willing to take the bet, on Katey and sister having a reconciliation in soft voices in a bedroom scene at the 60 minute mark of the film. Bring it.

Alright now we’re off to country club. There are heaps of white kids, they’re playing rock and roll, katey’s dad is dropping her off and smoking a huge cigar, but also gives her a weird wink like he’s her wingman

the teens are dancing to a revved up version of the high school hop. all the bitch girls make snarky remarks DESPITE THE FACT THAT SHE LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE THEM I CAN’T TELL THEM APART

the boss’ blowjob son has great slicked hair and he’s being polite but also kinda specious. some other teenager is hating on her. later on there’s a cover of sam cooke’s You Send Me and I’m all about that. I mean how can I argue with that?

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one of the skeezy bitches invites katey and blowjob to her house for a mojito party with more snide remarks ‘I’m sure I can fix you up a SHIRLEY TEMPLE’ (snide wink) which who even the fuck knows, but katey pulls alpha female rank and tells her that she and blowjob are going to a cuban club that teen dancer has told her about.

ANYWAY
we get to the club, this is the watermelon scene from dirty dancing 1, there’s all sorts of sexy dancing except I’ll level with you, it’s missing something from that first scene where Baby encounters the camp staff grinding in Dirty Dancing 1, and what it’s missing (I think) is the relaxed sexuality, the weary but earnest pressure of couples working off a busy day being servile for assholes by getting right up close to the one they love and fucking working it, before (presumably) going and having urgent exhausted sex. This scene is better lit, but with way less choreography and less on-the-verge-of-fucking-right-now scenes.

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Katey – Look at the way they’re feeling the music!

I’m not kidding, that’s a line that the screenwriter put in the script that the actress literally said and the director actually filmed and the editor didn’t chop out in the final cut. Read it again:

Katey – Look at the way they’re feeling the music!

I mean, okay.

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Javier is dancing with two girls at the same time, he comes over and immediately he and blowjob have a male stand-off. Frankly, blowjob is pretty polite and respectful, even though Javier is being pretty snarky. Javier asks to dance with Katey, and immediately they start grinding, with Blowjob looking on awkwardly – AS I WOULD DO IN THE SAME SITUATION!

Blowjob gets threatened by a bunch of cubans at the bar, and honestly it’s pretty intense. I’m starting to like this fuckwit, and Javier needs to step up his game.

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I AM ALL ABOUT THIS MOTHERFUCKER

There’s a bit of a show between the two best dancers in the bar, ‘when they dance the floor is theirs’ – it’s nice but everyone is giving it way too much time, what’s wrong with everyone just dancing?

Blowjob, having been physically threatened and managing to keep his cool, watches while Javier introduces Katey to his entire family, and then he elegantly excuses them and they head.

Now Blowjob physically assaults her in the car, she slaps him and flees, she runs back into the bar with a torn dress, Javier takes her home

VIA THE BEACH FYI

they’re walking barefoot in the sand, making awkward teen talk. They have really fuck all to say to each other. Meanwhile Katey’s bitch sister is behind a tree or something and watches them eye-fuck each other.

Look it’s not bad, but you can almost hear the director off-camera saying ‘BE MORE ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER’ and the actors are giving him blank looks and are like ‘how even does one do that’

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CAMERA CUT TO THE HOTEL FOYER
and what
what
it is patrick swayze
for some reason
it is literally patrick swayze, it is really the real him
dancing with some chicks
TO THE SAME MAMBO HE DANCES TO IN DIRTY DANCING 1 AMAZING

(it’s called Johnny’s Mambo, I know because I spent last week watching Hanna and Lloyd learn it, bless their coordinated feets)

one for the fans I guess? What’s really frightening about this scene, though, is that we see Johnny Castle, the hero of Dirty Dancing 1 (which takes place in 1963), in Cuba five years earlier (this film takes place in 1958) AND HE IS CLEARLY 25 YEARS OLDER

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It’s just fucking disturbing. Nothing about this situation is good. I’ve heard nothing about these films employing time travel as a trope, or any speculative mechanism whereby Swayze could grow YOUNGER in the intervening 5 years, it’s not even possible.

doesn’t look like he’s dancing with jennifer grey, tho, unless things have really gone topsy turvy.

I’m not happy about this scene, guys, I’m just fucking not.

Katey is standing at the corner and Patrick Swayze instructs her to enter the big dance contest. ‘I’ve seen you practising,’ he says. When? Where? WHO IS KEEPING TRACK OF WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS MOVIE?

Blowjob chases Katey to apologise for climbing all over her in the car. Then he tells her that Javier’s been fired b/c bitch sister told on him and how he was seen with Katey.  sister is afraid and confused and gets racist when katey confronts her

sister – he’s not like us

kateyThere is no us.

This is profound, unless you think about it.

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Katey goes to find Javier and his brother the revolutionary gives her shit about how she got him fired. Katey’s like ‘I know a way he can earn some money’

(she’s talking about the dance competition patrick swayze mentioned for the first time 60 seconds ago which we didn’t know had a prize until now but whatevs)

Dancing caused these problems, and dancing’s gonna get us out of them!

Javier’s brother gives her a surprisingly succinct and nice lecture on US/Cuban politics: ‘You Americans come to Cuba and pour money into the casinos, into the pockets of the gangsters who run this town, who murder innocent people.’

see now that I think’s a pretty fair and accurate depiction of, broadly, a lot of our complicity in world politics this last century.

Katey invites Javier to dance with her at the big dance contest and he sneers at her:

javier – Dance with you?

katey – I’m not that bad. You didn’t seem to mind me last night.

javier – I wasn’t trying to win a contest.

katey – Weren’t you?

SO MUCH SASS I LOVE IT

At Katey’s nasty school, she leaves and sees Javier waiting for her. She has the dreamy slow-blinking look of a sexy lizard who knows she’s gonna be having sex with a cuban real soon.

REHEARSAL MONTAGE

javier and katey are in some kind of room somewhere, Katey’s all like ‘you need routine! you need structure!’ he’s like ‘when I dance I have no routine’

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he teaches her to make circles with her hips and oh god this is making me appreciate so much how well constructed the Wipeout / Hungry Eyes montage from DD1 is, this one is just not happening for me

katey – your frame is really weak!

javier – better?

katey – I could do without the bruises, thanks.

javier – you could fit another couple between us!

katey – it’s not gonna be a crowded room. you gotta sweep across the dancefloor.

javier – okay I can sweeeeeeep

(cut to katey’s mum trying to give her a lecture about sex while pimping her out to Blowjob as hard as a mum has ever tried to corner her daughter into doing her husband’s boss’s son)

javier – it’s like dancing with my mother’s ironing board! close your eyes.

katey – why?

javier – just do it.

and he grabs her hips and tries to loosen her up

katey – oh god, do you have to be such a guy?

javier – okay, I’ll be the girl

and look, watching him dance like a lady is bizarre but kinda hilar

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we’re watching katey and javier pulling out a whole bunch of moves at a cuban club and he goes to grope her and she pulls away and he grabs another girl and now katey’s sad and in the corner AND I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE OR WHEN THIS IS

have weeks past? is it still 1958?

now we see patrick swayze dancing alone in a ballroom. katey goes in and confesses that she entered the contest but it’s not going well.

Hang on, wait, I have a theory: what if patrick swayze is a ghost, like bruce willis or patrick swayze in those films where they are ghosts? that would explain why only katey can see him and why he has NO FUCKING PLACE IN THIS FILM

he’s gonna give her an epiphany of some kind; but what kind?

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katey – the contest is in two weeks and it’s not going well. whenever he pushes, I pull, and I’m being free, and I’m making a circle, and I’m not an ironing board any more, and it’s still not working! and now he says ‘you’re afraid’

patrick – are you?

katey – no.

patrick – too bad.

what

no wait for it

here it comes

patrick – if you can’t move through your fear and connect with yourself, there’s absolutely no way you’re going to connect with your partner. listen to me. I know that it’s scary as hell to let another person touch that part of you. but if you do: it’s worth it. now forget everything I said and just dance.

(i have nothing to say about this line)

now there’s another montage, this time of patrick swayze dancing with katey, and then he disappears in a sparkly puff

look no fucking around, I honestly have no real read on what that scene was about. presumably the producers were like HOW’S THE DIRTY DANCING II COMING ALONG and the director was like ‘look I keep telling you, it’s a different film, it’s set in cuba it’s about cuba’ and the producers were like I SPOKE TO PATRICK SWAYZE’S AGENT, HE’S DOWN TO DO A COUPLE OF SCENES, WRITE HIM A COUPLE OF SCENES, ALSO WE’RE SPENDING MOST OF YOUR BUDGET ON PATRICK SWAYZE’S FEE TO DO THESE SCENES SO YOU’LL HAVE TO CUT THE BUDGET YOU WERE GOING TO SPEND ON MAKING THIS FILM MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE

katey hustles to javier’s house and tells him she’s afraid. he grins

and then they’re dancing waist deep in the ocean at the beach! of course they fucking are

javier – so the movement has to be fluid… like the water

of course it does bro of course it does

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javier – this dance was the dance of slaves. when they danced it was the only time they could feel free. it’s a dance about being exactly who you wanna be in that moment. it has to feel, look, as natural as the waves.

they are doing some upright fucking here.

if and when I learn to dance for the big latin ballroom dance competition that’s on in a week to save my friend from ruin, I insist on never learning to dance in a studio – I want nothing but unusual exotic locations and epiphanies delivered by lantern-jawed dance instructors

now javier’s telling her about his father being taken away by the govt, how he’s in charge of his whole family. he has a moment of uncertainty about what he’s doing with his life and katey gets really in his face and aggressively tells him NO YOU’RE KEEPING YOUR FAMILY ALIVE THAT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO

javier – if we could really win this contest, maybe I could bring my family to america with us

THE STAKES LITERALLY COULD NOT BE HIGHER

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and now they’re watching home videos of her parents dancing, he’s commenting on how hot it is. then katey, who is obviously aroused as hell by watching her mum circle around in flickery black and white with her dad, grabs him and they start doing slinky slow moves, face to face with the video projected on them making it look like they have ants crawling all over them

the heat. the sexual tension. it’s all… medium temperature.

katey gets home and her dad busts her and she lies to him about where she was and then goes to bed. her sister desperately wants her approval, she apologises to katey, it’s an apology scene in the bedroom and it’s… 50 mins in, I was 10 mins off.

Oh god now, for no fucking reason, we get Shakira’s Hips Don’t Lie (no problems with that btw) over the top of Katey, Javier AND HER SISTER all dancing in a line, in a recap of the DD1 Hungry Eyes scene where Baby, Johnny and Penny all dance together. It doesn’t make sense. Fuckit I feel like at this point I coulda walked into the director’s trailer like a Swayze-ghost and told her/him to free themselves of the spectre of Dirty Dancing, to be your own film, the best film you can be, not this pale shadow

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but I know they had no choice, I know that the funding for this film was predicated on it being a film that it’s not, in so many ways this project was doomed from the moment they caved and allowed the producers to append DIRTY DANCING to the title (assuming that’s what happened), I can’t be mad at them. I wish them so much love.

now it’s a semi-sexy montage of javier and katey flirting and sexy dancing in a variety of locations, having fun, giggling, and katey and her sister dancing, her dad looking confused, it’s costume change after costume change, THIS is what we signed up for

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ohhhhh, it only lasted 90 seconds, it was the best 90 seconds of the film, I wish it was still happening rather than whatever’s happening now

DINNER SCREENCAP
this is a scene that happened I don’t remember what happens in it but I like both their expressions and with this film I’m taking my pleasures where I can get them

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WHAT IS GOING ON HERE WHO CARES IT’S GREAT

okay it’s the big semi-final dance (only the semi-finals mind you, don’t be fooled like I was) and all the white folk are at the ballroom where the competition is happening, and no-one knows that katey is going to be dancing WITH A CUBAN

what’s funny tho is that katey has been blackmailing blowjob to pretend to be her boyfriend or else she’ll tell everyone that he assaulted her in the car and his petulant sardonic complaining has been one of my highlights, the actor is having a ball making every line drip with contempt and I love it I love him

so now they’re there and her parents think she’s dating blowjob and dancing with him and aaaaahhhh hilar

so now the music starts and – wait a minute! there’s katey and javier dancing, it’s totally sexy and absolutely beyond the pale. katey’s parents are upset, their boss are scandalised, blowjob raises one eyebrow, impressed despite himself

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I AM ALL ABOUT THIS SCENE

IF KATEY DOESN’T WANT HIM I WILL DATE BLOWJOB MYSELF

katey and javier literally start making out on the dancefloor, it is kinda golden

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also I should point out that the old couple sitting next to me on this plane keep turning to each other, smiling, talking about where they might like to spend summer and then every so often reaching out and squeezing each other’s hands. this flight is good news for everyone.

katey’s parents are upset, her mum says some quite reasonable things about how maybe katey shouldn’t have lied to them so comprehensively, and then drops in a slightly racist line as well because she’s mean and full of hate

mum – what’s wrong with james, I thought you liked him?

katey – no YOU liked him, because he fits into your perfect country club world

mumthere’s nothing wrong with that world

the argument escalates and her mum slaps her and it’s a hell of a slap, honestly I think they went a bit overboard with the SFX, anything that impacted katey with so much noise would certainly have killed her

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her mum hates her so much

we get a scene where mum and dad reflect on their own frustrated passions as ex-dancers and I don’t give a shit

katey wakes up and javier is there reading, she tells him that she is not going to college if it means leaving him, he doesn’t want her to give up her dreams for him, she’s like ‘but I have new dreams now’ and it’s perky and cute but also, fucking hell, teens

her family reconcile with her, no consequences, whatevs, she’s allowed to dance in the finals, her mum thinks she’s a good dancer, I aren’t give a fuck about them, katey’s family is the most boring part of this film

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javier meets katey’s parents STILL BORED SKIPPING IT

okay now they’re at the big final dance ballroom I think, the announcer says ‘tonight the winning couple will win $5000 and tickets to america’, the first couple start dancing, katey and javier and getting psyched out by the competition

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but now they get into their own dance and, look, here I can’t really fault the choreography, it’s not earth-shattering but fuckit it’s the grand final dance competition in a dance film, this is why we’re here, however hard we all worked as viewers to get to this point, this is really it. and was it worth it? well I mean it’s okay.

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except the cuban waiters start shooting guns THE REVOLUTION IS HAPPENING – javier saves a waiter from being shot by a US military and then flees the restaurant – revolution on the streets, crowd scenes, this is where the film-makers get to show off how many extras they could afford

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THIS MANY

this revolution primarily involves people jumping up and down. sometimes they are cheering but the vast majority are simply bouncing up and down on the spot. I mean true confession I’ve never been in a revolution situation and maybe the majority of social struggle takes place through the medium of bouncing up and down, but it feels to me like these were the scenes they left til the very last minute to film and had no real investment in

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still tho, bouncing

back at the hotel, katey and javier embrace, she hugs him like crazy. I’m actually really struck by her hugging – I’m not sure about the chemistry, but fuck this girl looks like she means it when she hugs you

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Javier and Katey have unexpected sex on the beach (HOW DID THEY GET TO THE BEACH? WHAT IS HAPPENING? I need to give up asking these questions)

k they wake up next morning after having fucked all night on the beach IN THE MIDDLE OF A REVOLUTION (leave it david just leave it)

javier – we didn’t win the contest

katey – no. but the consolation prize was pretty good

(the joke here is that first they didn’t win a competition but then they had sex)

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now katey’s shitty because the revolution has happened javier doesn’t want to leave cuba any more.

I don’t feel a lot of sympathy for this extremely wealthy girl in this reasonable situation. katey has to leave. javier has to stay. this seems legit to me. her mum comes in to comfort her and I already hate her NO WAIT IT’S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT:

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mum – give me that comb, let me comb your hair. when you were little, you used to hide under the bed when I came in to comb out the knots. now you have a choice: you can hide under the bed…

katey – …or I can comb out the knots.

THIS FUCKEN DIALOGUE

she comes to say goodbye to javier with amazing hair and lighting.

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katey – I’m gonna miss you

javier – I’m gonna miss you

katey – I am… taking you with me

javier – I am… keeping you here (hand on heart)

WILL THEY DANCE? WILL THEY DANCE? Will there play a latin reworking of ‘I’ve Had The Time Of My Life’? Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes

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And now a sudden unexpected voiceover:

katey – Javier once said that dancing is about being exactly who you are in that moment. Dancing with Javier I realised I was becoming exactly the woman I wanted to be.

(the fuck does that even MEAN?)

katey – We didn’t win the contest. But we did win something even more important.

(what???????????)

katey – On my final night in Havana, we were king and queen of the local nightclub

CUE FINAL DANCE SEQUENCE IN WELL LIT, EXTREMELY CLEAN GRIMY NIGHTCLUB

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katey – We didn’t know when we would see each other again, but we knew… that this wasn’t our last dance.

And, roll credits. The End.

WAIT WHAT HAPPENED TO BLOWJOB? WRAP UP THAT STORYLINE, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS

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WHAT ABOUT THIS FUCKING GUY

okay so what have we learned? what has this fim TAUGHT us?

1. we learned about the cuban revolution. after seeing Havana Nights, I can confidently tell you that the cuban revolution happened.

2. when two people from different worlds fall for one another, nothing can keep them from each other except their families’ expectations, social mores and logistics

3. There Is No Us

4. there are some things patrick swayze can’t fix

5. the old lady next to me just got up to go to the bathroom and when she returned to her seat she took her husband’s face in both hands and kissed him on the mouth, I adore them so much

6. I will forgive a movie basically any amount of shit if it just gives me 90 seconds of shakira’s hips don’t lie

OH BABY WHEN YOU TALK LIKE THAT
YOU KNOW YOU GOT ME HYPNOTISED
SO BE WISE
AND KEEP ON
MAKING THOSE SIGNS WITH YOUR BODY

I’M ON TONIGHT YOU KNOW MY HIPS DON’T LIE AND I’M STARTING TO FEEL IT’S RIGHT
THE ATTRACTION
THE TENSION
DON’T YOU KNOW BABY THIS IS PERFECTION